What does forgiveness look like? Is there any sin that would make a person ineligible to be forgiven? I thought so.
In the fall of 1983, I had an abortion. I was the person who would say, “Abortion isn’t for me but everyone should have the right to choose.” I was under the mistaken belief that I could never choose to end a pregnancy. However, when my back was pressed against the wall, when my life was already in an upheaval, when I felt alone and scared, that belief changed quickly.
I’m not sure how abortion clinics work now, but forty-two years ago, I had to be screened first. I made an appointment at a well-known abortion facility. God was with me that day. The woman I spoke with advised me that I wasn’t a candidate for an abortion and told me to go home and think it over carefully! I told my boyfriend, hoping against all hope that he would see the same thing. He didn’t. I turned my back on God’s grace.
Next was a lunch with my parents who had been divorced for over twenty years but they came together to try and save my child’s life. God was with me again that day. I turned a deaf ear. I couldn’t bear to lose my boyfriend if I chose to carry the child to term. Once again, I turned my back on God.
As time went on, I needed to make a decision. I made the wrong one. I remember being so angry that I had survived the procedure. I wanted desperately to die with my child. I despised my boyfriend but couldn’t let go of the relationship. I hated him and myself as well. My life began to spiral. I tried to run from my pain. Then, one day, a few years later, I found myself pregnant again. This time I vowed to God that I would not have an abortion no matter what the outcome or how it would affect my life. God was with me that day…again. This time I didn’t turn my back on him and I was led to a crisis pregnancy center. I found the hope I needed to carry my child to term. I also found the love and forgiveness I so desperately needed regarding my abortion through their Post Abortion Counseling program.
I attended counseling sessions for quite some time. I remember walking out of the center the first day and somehow everything seemed brighter. The trees were greener, the sky was bluer, the world seemed alive to me. That was the beginning of true healing. I realized why I would get depressed every fall to the point where I could barely get out of bed. I had suppressed my abortion and its memory so well that only my subconscious could remember my abortion was sometime in September…the fall. The pain would surface like a volcano trying to erupt and my emotional state would shut down. I also became enlightened as to why I remained in the relationship with the child’s father for so long after the abortion even though a big part of me still despised him. That relationship and its continuation was the price for my child’s life. If I let it go, I couldn’t justify what I had done.
One of the harder but most freeing moments during my counseling was facing an empty chair, imagining the Lord sitting in it. I was told to ask for forgiveness. It was the hardest thing for me to do. I couldn’t even forgive myself let alone ask God to forgive me, but I managed and through heart wrenching sobs I begged for God’s forgiveness, pouring my heart out for the first time in years. I allowed myself to feel the pain and grief wholeheartedly. The other side tells us it’s our “choice”, our body, feel empowered! They don’t tell us there will be emotional pain. They don’t tell us it’s ok to grieve. They don’t stick around to see the aftermath of abortion and the toll it takes. They collect their money, give you an aspirin and send you on your way. In counseling I was given permission to grieve.
My life has changed in so many ways since the day I was freed from my chains of despair. God has been with me every step of the way. I have learned to believe in his forgiveness and I’ve learned to forgive myself. After my counseling was completed, I was given the opportunity to hold weekly group sessions at the center for women experiencing the same grief from their past abortions. What a gift it was, to be part of their healing.
Through the years I have been given other opportunities to share my story and now the Lord has led me to Amnion Pregnancy Center where I can be part of saving the unborn. I cherish every day he has given me to be at this wonderful ministry. I truly believe in my heart that my life has changed because of the counseling I received.
This is what forgiveness looks like to me.
[Written by Ginny Hill, current Amnion staff member]
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